Recent Obsessions
I have this cabinet just loaded full of CDs. I love music, many kinds of music, and have this thing about "owning" as many of my favorite songs as I can (just in case I need to hear a certain something, like when a song gets stuck in your head . . .) This Fall we got a new computer, so I decided to check out iTunes. Wow, now instead of having to buy an entire CD when all I really want is one or two particular songs, I can purchase individual songs with just one click! Then I got my iPod. Cool, now not only can I put my iTunes songs on it, but it hit me I could conceivably fit my ENTIRE music collection on this tiny device. Let the ripping begin.
During my days off, while Kaya is napping (or watching TV -- more on that later) I have been taking little stacks of CDs to the computer and trasferring them to iTunes and the iPod. This process is so much more time consuming than I thought it would be! I am only about halfway finished, and starting to feel overwhelmed. I've spent more time sitting in front of the computer in the past month than I have in the past year, probably. So that is my current obsession.
My darling daughter, however, has a few going on. She LOVES "cream;" whenever she spies one of my many jars and tubes of scented lotions, she holds out her little hand and asks for "some?" A little is never enough, so then we have tears. Bad mom alert: I let her watch TV. PBS Sprout, to be specific, and she is addicted. Sesame Street is the ultimate, but sadly, she knows the names and theme songs (!) to most of the others. I think I need to set some limits. She is also dependant on her binky. Up until this past July, she only ever used the binky in her crib. But then she got a bad cold and wanted the binky for comfort, and it's been a constant presence since. And she will only drink milk from a bottle. But I was researching the issue today and have decided on this tactic: I am going to start gradually watering down her milk in the bottle so it doesn't taste as good, and will offer her full-strength milk in cups. Wish me luck. After we get rid of the bottle, I will tackle the binky issue. One trauma at a time. Don't even ask about potty training . . . I am just not quite ready to go full speed ahead with that yet, though she does sit on the potty and has even peed in it twice.
Speaking of traumas, Kaya had her first haircut today, and it terrified her. It was as if she thought I was going to butcher her. I only got 3/4 finished; there is still a little long chunk in the back, and her bangs need trimming, but I think we'll wait until daddy gets home this evening to try again.
Being a mother
As a child, I remember playing different games, but the two I liked the most were "teacher" and "mommy." In both games, I got to be in charge and quite bossy (hmm . . . a little insight into the darkness within). Later on, people inevitably began to ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I never had a definitive answer, beyond being a mother.
I went to college straight out of high school, because that's what you're supposed to do (though I had no clue what I wanted to study, what I wanted to "be.") I ended up falling into art history, simply because I enjoyed the classes and museums a whole lot. I didn't have the grades or the drive to go forward with a career in the art world, so I became a secretary. My work wasn't important to me anyway; my goals were simple: husband, house, babies, financial security, happiness.
Everything started falling into place. I married my college sweetheart (check!), we bought a house (check!), and began trying for a baby. I was building my perfect life, and nothing was going to deter my progress. Um, yeah. After a year of trying, still no pregnancy. I saw my gyn, had a surgery and was given the news that not only do I have endometriosis, but it had damaged my internal organs such that I had little chance of becoming pregnant. But in vitro fertilization was a good option for me, so I dove right into the world of infertility treatment. A few weeks before I was to begin my first round of potent hormone injections, my marriage came to an abrupt end. Turns out I was so busy making plans for the both of us, I failed to notice we were no longer on the same page.
All at once, my life unraveled. No husband, no house, no hope for a baby, definitely no financial security. And as I hadn't yet figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up, no career, no direction to my life. For a time, I was self-indulgent in my grief, isolating myself in my new apartment, crying to my therapist, spending too much time at family members' homes, glomming on to my few friends. I knew I had to pick myself up and start over.
To begin, I had to identify the things that I most wanted in life. My heart still longed for a baby of my own, and now also yearned to help others have their longed for babies. When I joined the ranks of the infertile, I met many women struggling with the crushing uncertainty of not knowing if they would ever have a child. There is no way to accurately describe this state of being, but it is life-altering, all encompassing, and incredibly lonely. I found I was extremely interested in researching causes of and treatments for infertility. Though I was not actively trying to have a baby, I kept seeing my surgeon, kept having procedures to keep the endometriosis under control so my body would have a chance when the right time came.
As I was figuring all of that out, I was also becoming seriously involved with Bruce. He did not fit into my life plan, was not someone I would have imagined myself with for various reasons, but as I got to know him I saw how rigid I was, how limited my world view. In a short time I could feel myself shifting, loosening up, blooming if you will. He did not set out to change me, but just being with him, listening to his thoughts and living life at his speed made such a difference in my life. I began to enjoy the journey and obsess a little less over the end result. I talked about how much I wanted to help other infertile women, and he suggested I go into nursing. I resisted, overwhelmed at the thought of more years of school, fearing I may not pass the difficult science classes. As time went on we had many talks about the kinds of things I wanted to do, and it kept coming back to nursing. Eventually, it became obvious to me that this was my path, and so I started nursing school.
During my second semester (of four) I took the maternal-child nursing class. We spent one clinical day in the well baby nursery of a hospital, and among all of the babies I held and cared for, a perfect Chinese baby girl stole my heart. As I rocked her, longing swelled in me so strongly I felt I might explode. All of the nurses remarked to me that I looked like I was ready for one of my own. They had no idea, I thought, and tried to push my fear of never holding my own daughter down deep. That was the week I got pregnant with Kaya. Out of the blue, when I least expected it, my dearest wish had been fulfilled. I blame the hormones my body let loose when I held that beautiful baby that April day.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I became pregnant so easily, had an uneventful pregnancy, and that I was blessed with such a wonderful daughter. I am overwhelmed with my fortune, and fearful of how fate may repay me. Mostly, I am so greatful. I work on a women's health unit, and many of my patients are on extended bed rest, trying so hard to keep their high-risk pregnancies going until their babies are strong enough to be born, often very prematurely. I've watched some of these women lose their babies, and my heart breaks. But I have seen fantastic outcomes, and love knowing that I am a small part of that success. I have more years of working, learning, and schooling ahead, but I am working toward a job at a fertility clinic one day in the not-so-distant future. I want to help give other women their dream babies.
Belated Anniversary
This past weekend, Bruce and I finally celebrated our first anniversary (which was December 23). Due to my work schedule, it was our earliest opportunity. We spent Saturday night at a hotel in Baltimore, near where the Ravens lost badly to the Colts in the playoffs. We had such a great time walking to the stadium, then the Inner Harbor, having a couple of drinks at a bar and watching the game. We went out to dinner, then soaked in the hotel's jacuzzi hot tub. It was a really nice break.
Kaya is 2!
We celebrated Kaya's second birthday this weekend. On Friday, her actual birthday, we had a small celebration at home, just the birthday girl, her big brother Phil, daddy and mommy. We gave her a couple of Dr. Seuss books, a new game for her Baby V-Smile, and a Mrs. Potato Head. Her favorite part was the cake (white cake, chocolate frosting, dinosaur sprinkles, and pink trim, with 2 candles). She blew out her candles, took a bite out of the side of the cake, then ran her finger all through the frosting, saying "mmmm chocolate." She requested cake for breakfast this morning, and many tears were shed when I had to refuse.
Today, we had a real birthday party with my family. It was a Tex-Mex theme; we had tortilla chips with guacamole and salsa, veggies and southwestern ranch dip, chili, and cornbread. My parents made the most beautiful mini cakes too: little suns, moons, and tiny chocolate raspberry cakes. I always forget how stressful it is to host guests, but today was more relaxed than past gatherings.
Happy birthday, Kaya!
Happy Holidays 2006
It was a good holiday season for the Baltimore Goldfarbs. Gift-wise, we cleaned up. Bruce gave me an iPod nano, and also a fantastically tiny and light digital camcorder. I gave Bruce a couple of non-fiction books, nice slippers, cashmere scarf, leather gloves, winter hat, and an iPod shuffle. Kaya's gift was a play kitchen, dishes, and food.
Kaya had a very good time playing with her cousin, Nyla, on Christmas, sustaining several minor injuries in the process. Many more gifts were exchanged, including a nice knife set for us! My parents hosted the big Perella gathering (that's my mother's side of the family). It was beyond raucous, as always. And tradition was not broken -- dinner was not served until nearly 10PM! We gathered with my dad's side of the family, the Rusens, on Friday 12/29. Again, Nyla and Kaya were wild children, though not as violent.
New Year's Eve was completely uneventful, unfortunately, and I'm a little embarassed to admit I was asleep before 11PM. But last night, 1/1/07, I received the best gift any mother could get: completely out of the blue, Kaya came up to me, kissed me on the lips, touched my cheek gently, and for the first time told me she loves me. She then proceeded to hug me, say "I love you," and kiss me multiple more times. She shared the love with Bruce, then we had a major three-way kiss fest going on. It was fabulous and, of course, I cried.
