Kaya's Latest Photo Shoot

Is this kid cute, or what?

Happy; sad

Whining generally doesn't get results for me, but I must say, after my last post, Baltimore has been enjoying LOVELY weather! Oh man, it is nice to go outside in sandals again. We took Kaya to the National Zoo this past weekend, where she saw many fascinating creatures. She especially loved a lemur who, in his agitation, was coming right up to the glass and pacing back and forth. Kaya squealed in delight and ran along with him for a moment. Every day lately, my little one announces "Kaya outside!"

Once again, I was cancelled from working today. Drat, guess I'll be forced to play with my daughter in the sunshine. And clean the house a bit, pay bills, do laundry . . .

Completely new topic: last Friday, Brad Delp (lead singer of Boston) died; yesterday, his family issued a statement that his death was suicide. I am completely torn up over this. Last night, I dreamt about it and woke up every hour. Miserable. Yes, I am a Boston fan, and had hoped to get to see them in concert again (was lucky to see them in 1995). Comedian Richard Jeni took his own life last Saturday. Who will complete the trifecta?

How dark and hopeless do things have to be for one to actually kill himself? I hope I never go anywhere near that place, and I could weep buckets thinking about all of the people who found no other way out. Last year, two of Bruce's friends, guys he'd known for decades, committed suicide. I was also friends with one of them, Bobby, and though I knew he was terribly depressed, and had heard him say things like "if it weren't for my daughter, I'd put a bullet through my head," it was still a kick in the gut when he did just that. And even now, months later, I still think things like "why didn't I invite him over to dinner" or "would it have helped if we'd had more parties?" Hello, I know I couldn't have stopped it, it had nothing to do with me, so why do I feel partly responsible? And if I feel that way, how must his brother (and best friend) feel? All I know is that Bobby will never pop over on New Year's Eve again, and that pisses me off. He left his nine-year-old daughter an orphan (her mom died of leukemia in 2000).

Suicide colors all that went before. Michael Hutchence killed himself in 1997, and I have never since been able to listen to INXS without thinking of that fact. It pains me that the same will now be true of Boston's music, which has always just made me feel so pumped and energized. Rest in peace, Mr. Delp.

Steamed Crabs

It is snowing, gray and cold. Again. Still. Winter is not my friend, and I want it to go away. So as I sit watching the snow fall, Caillou audible in the background, I imagine sitting at a picnic table, newspaper spread in front of me, an ice cold beer off to my right, a pile of six or so steaming hot crabs at my left. The sun is a bit too warm on my shoulders, the kids making a bit too much noise in the yard, and it is heaven on earth.

I was supposed to be at work today, but got cancelled again. My unit is experiencing a period of very low patient census, and everyone I work with is feeling the pinch. Last year, I would get cancelled about once a month. Lately, I am getting cancelled once a week. The days off are like a gift; I love the extra time with Kaya . . . my paycheck is getting a little skinny, though.

We've been making some summer plans. So far, we're going to our niece's Bat Mitzvah, and spending a week at the beach. I may get to go along on some of Bruce's business trips, as well. I am itching to get out of Baltimore, out of the cold, even to get outside. It is hard to keep from dreaming of being on vacation, sweating while reading a good book on the beach, my iPod playing a summer mix, cool water lapping at my feet. Or of pushing Kaya's stroller through the Maryland Zoo, or carrying her on my shoulders at the Towson Town Festival, or taking Sasha to Patterson Park. Oh, and the farmer's market on Sunday mornings. Grilling out in the back yard. Groan.

p.s. I finished ripping ALL of my cd's. Never in a million years will it all fit onto my iPod nano. Oh bother. I got a fantastic down jacket on clearance, a pair of duck boots, and iTunes is my new best friend. Online shopping is way too easy for the underemployed.