Dark Days
I am not pregnant any more. Last Saturday, I learned my baby had died about a week before. I had a D&C that day, and have spent this week coming to terms with it all. I'm not sure how much I will write about this experience as time goes on, but for now this is as much as I can bear to say. I had a miscarriage, I am heartbroken and devastated, but I am also strong and will get through it. Bruce and I plan to try for another pregnancy as soon as possible. My family and friends have been a tower of support, as always. Kaya is healthy and happy, and all in all, I am a very lucky woman.
I have a recovery plan. I am joining a gym, and will begin exercising regularly for the first time in over 10 years. I got a few specific herbal teas that are touted to help regulate the female cycle and hormones, and also two essential oils which supposedly enhance fertility. Bruce thinks I'm nuts, but as I explained to him, it all cost about $30, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something to help increase our odds. It may not help, but it won't hurt. I will be squirreling away every cent I can in the coming months, because we need a new(er) vehicle and house money. Best of all, with my tax refund money we will take another get away trip to New Orleans. I have things to focus on besides getting pregnant, which is helpful.
My grandmothers are not doing well. My dad's mom has had a very bad few months. It all started with her car accident in October, followed by sepsis, then 6 weeks in rehab, then sepsis again, then a mysterious sudden onset of advanced dementia or delusion which cannot as yet be diagnosed or identified. It could be due to an overload of meds, or the cumulative effect of many TIA's, or a rapidly degenerating brain, no idea yet. She sees people who aren't there constantly, has conversations and arguments with them, and sometimes can also engage in the here-and-now, but sometimes can't. I confess I haven't been visiting her, and I feel terribly about it. My mom's mom is getting more and more frail every day, can barely walk anymore she is so weak. She refuses to use assistive devices the correct way, if at all, and says they make her "look old." Well, she is 88 and SHE IS OLD. She is also having cognitive problems, and has been treating my uncle and aunt (who she lives with in Delaware) rather nastily. Yet she is faithfully taking her percocet, ativan and having a couple of scotches each evening. Yikes. Both of my parents are basket cases over their moms' failing health. I feel so upset over all of it, yet I am kind of paralyzed, not really doing anything.
I don't know what to do about work. I have been unhappy lately but felt tied to my job due to the pregnancy. Now that I am no longer pregnant, I am free to look for a new job. Which I want to do, except for one hitch: I want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, but if I change jobs I would have to be there a full year before I could take advantage of FMLA to get the longest maternity leave possible. Now I realize it may take a while to get pregnant again if ever, but it could also happen rather quickly. So for right now, as I am grieving and my head is spinning, I think I will stay put for the moment, implement my recovery plan (as described above) and let the air clear a bit.
I have a recovery plan. I am joining a gym, and will begin exercising regularly for the first time in over 10 years. I got a few specific herbal teas that are touted to help regulate the female cycle and hormones, and also two essential oils which supposedly enhance fertility. Bruce thinks I'm nuts, but as I explained to him, it all cost about $30, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something to help increase our odds. It may not help, but it won't hurt. I will be squirreling away every cent I can in the coming months, because we need a new(er) vehicle and house money. Best of all, with my tax refund money we will take another get away trip to New Orleans. I have things to focus on besides getting pregnant, which is helpful.
My grandmothers are not doing well. My dad's mom has had a very bad few months. It all started with her car accident in October, followed by sepsis, then 6 weeks in rehab, then sepsis again, then a mysterious sudden onset of advanced dementia or delusion which cannot as yet be diagnosed or identified. It could be due to an overload of meds, or the cumulative effect of many TIA's, or a rapidly degenerating brain, no idea yet. She sees people who aren't there constantly, has conversations and arguments with them, and sometimes can also engage in the here-and-now, but sometimes can't. I confess I haven't been visiting her, and I feel terribly about it. My mom's mom is getting more and more frail every day, can barely walk anymore she is so weak. She refuses to use assistive devices the correct way, if at all, and says they make her "look old." Well, she is 88 and SHE IS OLD. She is also having cognitive problems, and has been treating my uncle and aunt (who she lives with in Delaware) rather nastily. Yet she is faithfully taking her percocet, ativan and having a couple of scotches each evening. Yikes. Both of my parents are basket cases over their moms' failing health. I feel so upset over all of it, yet I am kind of paralyzed, not really doing anything.
I don't know what to do about work. I have been unhappy lately but felt tied to my job due to the pregnancy. Now that I am no longer pregnant, I am free to look for a new job. Which I want to do, except for one hitch: I want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, but if I change jobs I would have to be there a full year before I could take advantage of FMLA to get the longest maternity leave possible. Now I realize it may take a while to get pregnant again if ever, but it could also happen rather quickly. So for right now, as I am grieving and my head is spinning, I think I will stay put for the moment, implement my recovery plan (as described above) and let the air clear a bit.
posted by Bridgett | 9:17 AM
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