Bridgett Rusen Goldfarb

Quinn

2009-02-28T20:47:00.004-05:00

Quinn Rusen Goldfarb has arrived :) I had my scheduled c-section on Wednesday, Feb 18th 2009 at 10:00AM; everything went on time and without complication. My experience could not have been better. I was nervous in my last few pregnant days and had some fears/anxieties regarding the actual spinal anesthesia and surgery, but even with my butterflies that morning I actually enjoyed the entire day. My friends at work took fantastic care of me and made me feel truly special. My husband, daughter, parents and cousin Heather were with me before and after the main event. My anesthesiologist invited Heather to join Bruce in the O.R. so she could photograph the baby's first moments.

My beautiful, healthy and perfectly sweet daughter Quinn was born at 10:56AM on Feb 18th. I was on the operating table for a long time due to copious scar tissue in my abdomen from having had five previous abdominal surgeries. Once I had my spinal in place, I was feeling fine and dandy. I kind of liked the way the spinal made my legs so warm and tingly. At one point I got nauseated, but the anesthesiologist gave me medications which made me feel better right away. I also got very itchy from the duramorph put in my spinal for pain relief, so they gave me a drug called nubain which helped a lot but also made me sleepy. The pain control I was given was fantastic. Not only did the anesthesia work well during the surgery, but the duramorph and toradol kept me super comfortable for a full 24 hours; I was almost afraid I would overdo things because I was able to be out of bed walking around later that same day, pain free!

The hospital stay was really nice: I had the best postpartum room on the unit, a corner room featuring extra privacy due to the "ante room" (which turns the room into a suite), a large bathroom and a fantastic view of downtown Baltimore. The nurses made sure I always had fresh water and was as pain free as possible. Breast feeding is going pretty well, much better than with Kaya. I sometimes struggle getting Quinn to latch, but once she finally settles down and starts to suck she does very well. My milk is in, too. I never established a good milk supply the first time around, so it has been a priority this time. I am determined to successfully nurse this baby without using formula to supplement as I did with Kaya. Quinn did have maybe four bottles of Similac at the hospital because she lost 10% of her birth weight and because she was extra hungry and fussy at times. Now that I have enough milk to nurse her and also pump, I have been supplementing her after feedings with expressed milk in bottles. She sleeps like a drunk sailor after drinking those!

We came home last Saturday evening, and are still settling in. I am completely blissed out, and also more exhausted than I expected to be at this point. I can't keep from nodding off to sleep even as I type this. My breasts are tender, as is my abdomen (duh), but I am taking percocet and motrin which are working very well for me. Now I need to get back into the good groove I was in at the hospital with drinking lots of water and keeping track of feeds and diapers on paper. When I am disorganized, I feel anxious. I want to relax as much as I can and nap as Quinn does. So far I haven't been sleeping much at all, because I feel like there is so much to be done. At this moment she is starting to show signs of waking, and so I'll need to nurse her then pump, and then shower with my older daughter (who needs a bath, so we are going to double up to save time and also bond a little -- we missed one another so much while I was staying in the hospital!)

Preparations

2009-02-16T20:39:00.003-05:00

In about 38 hours, my second child will be born. I know this for the simple reason that I am having a scheduled C-section (because I ended up with one the first time around, and because I am not at all interested in trying for a VBAC thank you very much). What I did not expect, seeing as I've not only been through one C-section as well as about five other surgeries but that I've also circulated during dozens of C-sections as a nurse, is that I am really scared about it. I've been looking forward to delivering this baby for ages, and very excited, and prepared too. I know EXACTLY what to expect, because I am having the baby at my own work place with my friends and colleagues all around me. I chose my team, I trust these people. So why am I afraid I might die on the table?

I spent a good deal of this morning crying. I suppose the emotions and anxiety are normal; after all, my life is about to change in a huge way. Kaya has been so sweet and affectionate lately, and though I know it will be the best thing for her to become a big sister, I am also feeling guilty about how her whole identity is about to change. She will no longer be the only center of my universe. I am so afraid our relationship will change, that she will feel less special or loved. But I know for sure she will love her baby sister, and that they will have a deep connection and special bond for life. I am so excited to watch my girls love each other.

The last weeks of this pregnancy got physically difficult, but I was able to keep working full time (three 12-hour shifts per week) up through yesterday. I have been very uncomfortable due to lower back pain, swollen feet and heartburn, and often truly exhausted. I've also been dealing with having gestational diabetes, a complication I did not have the first time around. When I was first diagnosed, I was so distraught. It was just before Christmas, so I had to miss out on many of the treats of the season. I felt very sorry for myself, but as time went on it got easier. I am proud to say that I was able to maintain excellent blood glucose levels through diet control, and am therefore hopeful that my baby will not suffer any adverse effects. I have received excellent prenatal care, and been very closely monitored with weekly non stress tests and biophysical profiles as well as monthly ultrasounds to measure the baby's growth. As of last Thursday she appears to be about 7lbs, and all of her monitoring has been really great.

There was a sweet baby shower for me at work. My friend Gail went way above and beyond by organizing the party, decorating the room, supplying a DELICIOUS Sugarbakers cake among other treats, and giving me a really nice gift on top of all that. Unfortunately for my coworkers it happened to be one of the busiest days in L&D history, so most everybody was too busy to be able to hang out and relax. They had all these gifts stacked up for me, and all of this food laid out, but each person only could dash in to get a plate of food and say how sorry they were that they couldn't stay. Of course I understood completely, but it was a bit of a bummer.

Last Sunday my mom and sister-in-law Alex threw me a very elegant and fun baby shower with my aunts and cousins. We had so much fun! I had been so sure my family wasn't planning a shower as this is my second baby. Turns out my mom had been trying to make it a surprise, and so had been keeping really quiet about it up until a couple of weeks ago when she decided to tell me after all. It really was so great, although my grandmothers were very much missed. It is still so weird that they are gone, nothing feels the same.

Bruce and I (OK, mostly Bruce) have been working on getting the house ready for baby Quinn. We had to rearrange a good bit of furniture to make way for the bassinet, changing table and baby dresser in our bedroom. Quinn will be bunking with us for a few months, as we still need to set up a play area in our basement for Kaya's larger toys (kitchen, play house, easel, and so on) which are currently taking up her entire room. Once that is organized, Quinn can move in with her big sister. And after that happens, I am getting my new bedroom furniture on way or another! The big stuff is all done, and though we still have cleaning and organizing to do, I am happy with the house in general. I can fix the details during my maternity leave. At this point, all I can focus on is making sure my hospital bag is stocked with all of the essentials and that the car seats are properly installed in the mini van. The rest will fall into place. At least baby has a bed to sleep in and a dresser full of clean clothes!

Tomorrow is my last full day of being pregnant. I'll take Kaya to school, and I have one last prenatal appointment. I've been obsessively reading the Twilight books (started the 4th and final one last night), and hope to be able to get some reading time in, and maybe a nap! Because once little Quinn arrives sleep will be a distant memory for a while. I may be scared, but more eager than ever to see my tiny one's face and kiss her all over.

As the belly grows

2008-10-24T13:13:00.002-05:00

I am pregnant. Haven't wanted to write about it until now, because of the way I rushed things last time. I am very pregnant, in fact -- 23 weeks along and SHOWING. We are expecting another little girl in February, and couldn't be happier! So far so good, all of the prenatal testing and ultrasounds show a healthy, very active baby. I feel good, although generally exhausted.

This week I spent an hour or so at Baby's R Us, registering for gifts even though I am highly doubtful there will be a shower. I debated heavily about doing it but figured, in the end, if nothing else I will have a pre-printed and organized shopping list for myself when I need to get a few things toward my due date. It was weird, because even though it is so fun to look at baby things, it also made me very sad. Registering for this baby made me hyper aware of the loss of my grandmothers. I am missing them so much lately, and very depressed that they are not here with me during this special time. My baby will never know them, and that is really upsetting me.

There is much to celebrate within my family this year. My cousin Dominic and his wife Meg recently welcomed their second daughter, Lucie. My cousin Claire is getting married in January, my brother Jeremy is getting married in June, and my cousin Janine is getting married in August! After the many challenges and losses of 2008, we are all looking forward to a joyful 2009.

Bruce, Phil, Kaya an I recently drove to Buffalo (in our mini van, which ROCKS!) to visit Bruce's folks. His brother David was also visiting, and it was great to spend time with them. We had a really nice visit, only wish we had had more time to spend on this trip. I hope to go back for another visit this Spring so our new little one can meet her grandparents.

Last week I had an ear infection. Oh goodness, I had no appreciation for how exquisitely painful they are! It had started on Monday with sore glands in my neck, the next day had moved to my sinuses, and by Wednesday I woke with a slightly sore left ear. I went in to work, as it wasn't very painful. As the day went on, not only did my left ear grow steadily more sore and muffled, but my right ear also became involved. I was in so much pain I was fighting back tears. Tylenol helped enough to make the pain tolerable, but when it wore off I was in agony. Unfortunately, though my coworkers were very understanding, there was no way I could go home sick as two others were already out and we were busy as usual. Somehow I made it to the end of my shift, then drove straight to Patient First for antibiotics. By the next morning I was feeling much better. That is an experience I don't want to revisit any time soon!

That's about all of the news for now. There will be photos soon, this blog is very out of date!

Loving Send-Off

2008-08-03T08:20:00.002-05:00

My maternal grandmother Teresa Marie Perella (nee Denning) passed away at 6:45PM 8/2/08. Nan did not like to be alone, so in the end she was surrounded by her children and grandchildren in a very crowded ICU room. It was the first time I have been present at the moment of death, and it was an honor.

Over the past few years her health had been declining, eventually wheelchair bound and suffering early stages of dementia. It was such an undignified time in the life of such a vibrant woman known for flitting around town and shopping her heart out. As she grew weaker, she had to give up her independence -- no more driving, no more apartment. She moved in with my uncle and aunt in Delaware for a time, until the stairs became unmanageable and she had a number of falls. A couple of months in a rehab facility flowed into permanent residence in a nursing home, but only for a few weeks as it turned out.

Last Monday Nan was taken into the hospital with pneumonia. When she grew sicker and it was clear the antibiotics and diuretics were not going to help, the decision was made to help her on her way. When everyone was gathered (all but Claire living in Texas, who was devastated she could not make it in time) Nan's CPAP mask was removed (replaced by a basic oxygen mask for comfort) and a morphine bolus was administered. The family circled her bed and all laid hands on Nan. She saw all of us and said "I love you" many times, and we all told her over and over how much we love her, too. It took about two hours, but she finally let go. It was terribly sad, but also beautiful and powerful. My family was supported by the loving care of a fantastic nurse, who helped us through the experience.

There will be no more suffering or indignities for Nan. Wherever she is, she is reunited with my grandfather, her parents, siblings and best friend. I am sure they are having a good party.

In four months I have lost both of my beloved grandmothers. Though I know how blessed I have been to know all of my grandparents so well, and to have had so much time with them, I feel a bit lost now. My parents are now the heads of the family. Holidays will be different from now on. It will take a lot of getting used to.

The Love Song of Sasha Goldfarb

2008-06-22T15:00:00.004-05:00

My dog loves her mistress. Not that she isn't thrilled to see every member of our family, but I am the one for whom she pines. Sasha gazes at me longingly with her big brown almond shaped eyes, whimpers when I scratch her ears and throws herself at my feet, submissively rolling onto her back, giving herself to me.

Best of all is the show I get when I come home, either from a long or short absence: she sings to me and does a little dance for several minutes before finally settling down. Poor thing won't even go outside to do her business right away, even when I know she is bursting. First she must sing her love song of whoops and whines, wiggle her butt, fling her tail and flop at my feet. Then maybe she can hold still enough to give me a kiss before heading into the yard to empty her bladder.

It is great to be loved.

New Job

2008-06-22T14:43:00.002-05:00

I am a labor & delivery nurse. To me, this is a big deal. I knew it would be a daunting task to learn a whole new set of skills, etc., and I am a bit overwhelmed. Still and all I love it, and I will never go back to doing what I did before.

I am lucky to have a fantastic preceptor with over 25 years experience on our unit, plus about seven years as a midwife in her native Cayman Islands. She is not only an expert in the field, but also patient and kind with me. She says I am coming along very well, so I have to trust her judgment even when I am feeling like a huge idiot.

What I am great at is building rapport with my patients and being a labor coach. Not so fabulous are my IV and foley catheter skills, at which I've been hit or miss. We have been concentrating on vaginal deliveries, especially inductions. I am feeling more confident with that process, even handling a couple deliveries nearly independently (though I always manage to forget something . . .) The next hurdle will be C-sections. I was circulating nurse for the first time in the OR on Friday and it went OK, although I am completely ignorant of the instruments, which makes doing the counts with an impatient scrub tech a challenge, to say the least. I'm not sure why some people seem to enjoy making a new coworker feel stupid. Anyway . . .

Part of me is eager to get the orientation process over with and be out there on my own, and the other part of me wants to cling to my preceptor forever. I still have tons to learn and more to commit to memory, but I have already come a long way. I may have finally found a job I can be happy doing for years to come. I hope!

Intruder!

2008-05-18T14:07:00.000-05:00

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon around 5PM, and Bruce, Kaya and I were watching a movie in the living room. All of a sudden we heard the back gate squeak open, and as the kitchen door was open, I jumped up and headed to the door, expecting Kaya's neighbor friend. Instead, right on my porch was a tall, lanky guy who looked seriously high. He seemed unfazed by my big black dog, who was barking ferociously and lunging at the door (except that I was restraining her).

The guy asked if little Mikey lived here, and then asked if he lived next door. Then he kind of stood there for a minute before leaving. The whole thing was strange, because who comes to somebody's back door unless they are close friends? Why hadn't he knocked on our front door? I found myself making note of his appearance (about 6' tall, maybe 170 lbs., buzz cut light brown hair, tattoo of a cross on the right side of his neck, black T-shirt, black jeans). I told Bruce that I had a feeling he'd be back, that he was casing our house. I even thought that maybe, as he was distracting us at the back door, somebody else was up to no good out front. So I ran to the front door and looked out as soon as he left, and the guy was then standing on the sidewalk in front of our house, looking at it. Weird!

We got on with out lives, and by 11PM Bruce and I were again watching TV in the living room, and had lights on in the house. Bruce stepped out on the back porch to have a cigarette, and Sasha pushed past him howling off into the yard like a wild thing. Just then Bruce screamed "Bridgett, call 911! The fucker's in the yard!" So I called 911 for the first (and hopefully only) time in my life to summon the police. We filed a report and gave our description of the guy to the officers. They looked around the neighborhood, but far as I know, he was gone.

I felt so violated and vulnerable! There was no way I could sleep in my house that night, and I had to get up at 5AM the next morning for work. I packed up myself and Kaya and drove to my parent's house, while Bruce sat up all night with a baseball bat, a stun gun and Sasha by his side, waiting. They guy did not return, thank heavens.

Within a few days, we hired my dad to secure the house. We now have bars on the basement windows, locks on the kitchen windows and a new storm door that actually locks. Bruce also posted "No Trespassing" and "Beware of Dog" signs at the two gates to our yard, and padlocked the front gate which we never use, but our intruder did on his second visit.

Oy vay!

New Orleans, part 2

2008-05-15T12:03:00.001-05:00

My new buddies, "The Shit" of Faubourg Marigny

Anne Rice's former residence

A sobering reminder

Tee Eva's Creole Soul Food

Bruce and I returned to New Orleans from May 12 to 14, 2008. This time we stayed at The Frenchmen Hotel in Faubourg Marigny (we had stayed at a Holiday Inn last time, which was fine, but we wanted a more authentic experience this time around.) There is a lovely courtyard with a gorgeous little pool (though the jacuzzi smelled swampy). The rooms are tiny but clean, and the rates are very reasonable. Best of all, it is a stone's throw from the Quarter, yet put us in a neighborhood we might not have explored otherwise that is not to be missed. The Marigny's picturesque streets are lined with beautiful shotgun houses, many still bearing their spray-painted codes from Katrina's aftermath, reminiscent of tragedy like faded tattoos on the forearms of concentration camp survivors. Still, it is a bustling neighborhood with great bars, cafes and restaurants.

Besides walking all over the Marigny, we also took the St. Charles streetcar up to the Garden District. The homes there are unbelievable, just immense and classy and gorgeous. Of course we sought out Anne Rice's former house. We also checked out some of the shops along Magazine Street, most of which were way out of our league. Unfortunately I had only brought my Birkenstock sandals, which under every day circumstances are most comfortable, yet are not ideal for miles upon miles of walking at a stretch. My feet and legs were in agony, and so we still have a large chunk of this area to explore next time.

Of course, we spent a good bit of time in the Quarter again (why not?), mostly watching two fabulous bands. Ka-Nection Band plays regularly at Fat Catz @ 438 Bourbon, and they are so good we sat/danced through their set two nights in a row. We were also pleased to see Mo Jeaux again (we were practically the only ones in Funky 544 @ Bourbon & Toulouse one rainy Monday night in October, and Mo Jeaux still rocked the joint).

As for food, I finally got my first taste of a muffuletta from the famous Central Grocery. Oh my gosh, it was so good, and I'm not even a big fan of cold cuts. We also had a mouth watering shrimp Po Boy, red beans and rice, and oysters on the half shell. I got super excited when we came upon Tee Eva's on Magazine Street because I had seen her gumbo featured on Food Network, but I was disappointed to find that they had sold out of gumbo that particular day. Now I regret not getting one of her pies instead. Next time, for sure! I had iced cafe au lait at Cafe du Monde, which is very refreshing along with the requisite beignets, all perfectly delicious.

My mission on this trip was to get my hands on as many fertility good luck things as I could find in the Voodoo shops. My favorite place was Voodoo Authentica @ 612 rue Dumaine, where I got a fertility candle and gris gris bag. Hey, I'll try anything to help the process along!

It was a short but full trip. We had a wonderful time, and were very sad to leave. On our way out of town, we stopped at Sonic in the airport, because Baltimore does not have any Sonics, and we are tortured seeing their commercials on TV. They have pretty good grub for a fast food place, and really great shakes!

Though it may be a little while before we can make it back to the Big Easy, we talk about returning almost every day. New Orleans has a permanent place in my heart.

Happy birthday to me!

2008-05-03T08:56:00.004-05:00

Oh, happy day! I love my birthday (which was yesterday), always have. Part of it has to do with the time of year: early May in Baltimore is traditionally warm and sunny, trees in full bloom. People emerge from winter's hibernation to frequent a multitude of festivals, and weekends especially just feel like a celebration. But more than that, a birthday is the one day of the year that truly feels special, just for me.

There is much to celebrate this year. Thursday was my last full-time day as a women's health nurse. Yesterday was a great day which began with meeting a good friend at a community playground with our little ones. The kids had a blast, and we got to chat in the sunshine with each other and a couple of other cool moms we met along the way. Then Kaya and I met up with my mom and Nyla (my niece) for lunch at an Indian buffet, which is one of my new favorite things to do. Bruce gave me flowers and an iPod shuffle to use at the gym (much better than lugging my full-sized one on my arm).

My parents and brother gave me a gift certificate to Pazo, a hip tapas restaurant in Fells Point where Bruce and I had reservations for a late dinner. The restaurant is dramatic and gorgeous, very chic but also comfortable and romantic. My only complaint is that the "house music," while groovy, is just too loud and prevents conversation without shouting. Otherwise, I was thrilled to be there. The food was fantastic, as was the service. We ordered three tapas plates (ceviche, braised lamb shoulder on smashed chick peas, and mixed olives) then shared two half-portion entrees (saffron gnocchi with lamb ragout, and pork confit canneloni). I was in heaven, it was all so delicious. We stopped at Vaccaro's Italian Pastry Shop in Little Italy for dessert (cannoli, vanilla butterball cookies and almond cookies), then met up with a couple of friends at a bar on the way home.

This weekend should be a lot of fun: there are the Towson Town Festival and the Flower Mart going on. If the weather is nice tomorrow morning, we might go to the farmer's market down town. Monday is my first day of orientation at my new job -- I am really excited and nervous! Next Sunday is Mother's Day, and we have reservations for brunch at Little Havana, which is a neat Cuban restaurant right on the water in Baltimore. I booked us an outdoor table (fingers crossed for sunshine!). The brunch is really reasonably priced and includes bottomless mimosas or bloody mary's. My kinda place! The next day we leave for New Orleans. Yippee!!!

Changes Afoot

2008-04-12T09:47:00.004-05:00

Spring is a time of rebirth and fresh starts, and things in my life are shifting and blooming along with the trees.

Bruce and I have been going to the gym fairly regularly, and though I haven't seen any results yet, I am having such a good time and feeling fantastic. I never enjoyed working out before, but this time around it is truly fun (having my iPod handy helps a lot, I'll admit). We're also excited about our upcoming trip to New Orleans, just the two of us letting loose and enjoying uninterrupted alone time.

Starting early next month, I will begin to work as a labor & delivery nurse at a local hospital (not where I currently work). This is a dream come true and a very important step in my career. I was a nervous wreck about telling my boss, but that went well and is behind me, thank goodness. I decided to stay on at my current job as flex staff, meaning I will do one shift every two weeks, to keep my foot in the door there and bank some extra cash. This is a very exciting time, but stressful as all major changes tend to be.

Last month we bought a gently used mini van (a Town & Country, Odysseys were just a little pricier than I felt comfortable with)! It is shiny and red, smells new and runs so smoothly I can barely believe it. I had lobbied for a min van because we are hoping to need room for two car seats soon and still have space for Phil, our dog and groceries. It will be great for vacations, and all of the passenger seats stow away which means there is room to haul things like furniture when needed. I have never had a vehicle larger than a 4-door sedan, so this is new and exciting for me! Maybe I'll be thought of as a soccer mom or whatever, but I don't care in the least. I love my van!

My grandmother, Beatrice Rusen, passed away last Sunday after a six-month struggle with her health following the car accident I have previously written about. This is the first time I have felt joy mingled with sorrow at the loss of a loved one. Joy for Grammy because her suffering has ended, but more so because she is at long last reunited with Barbara, her daughter who died at age 12 in an accident, and with my PopPop, who died in December, 2000. It became clear to everyone (except, perhaps, for Grammy) that she was not going to get well again. The auto accident was a catalyst, and one major septic infection followed right after the other from that day on, leaving Grammy weaker each time. Other preexisting conditions continued to ravage her body, and toward the end her loved ones began to pray for a swift and peaceful ending to her suffering.

Knowing her death was imminent, I visited her in the hospital last Saturday night after work. She lay with her eyes closed and her mouth open, looking rather peaceful and childlike (so very unlike her typical feisty self). I said hello, and asked if she could hear me (twice), to which she responded by squeezing her eyes (both times). Feeling somewhat convinced she was conscious and aware, I talked to her for a little while. I got to say everything I needed to, including how much I love her, that I am so sorry I didn't spend nearly enough time with her (especially these past months during her illness), and that I will miss her every day. I reminisced and recounted some of my favorite memories of times we shared, in particular the evenings we hung out in early 2001, which was a painful period in both of our lives. Then I urged her, as my father and aunts had already done, to let go and go on with Pop and Barbara, who I am certain were already there waiting. I stroked her swollen face and kissed her forehead, cried and said goodbye. It was really sad, but also special. Strange to talk to somebody about their impending death, but liberating too.

Dad called at a little after 1:00 AM that night to say she had gone on. Turns out I was the last family member to see her alive, and mine were her last "I love you"s and kisses. Had I known the end would be so soon after my visit, I would have stayed at her side so she wouldn't be alone. Instead, I turned up the volume of her TV and put the speaker near her ear, remembering how she, like me, hated to be alone in a quite house. A nurse or tech was actually with her when she died, so at least she wasn't by herself at that moment. But of course, she wouldn't have been alone anyhow -- her family was there to take her home. I may not be religious, but I am spiritual, and I have no doubt she is with them in the afterlife, whatever that may be.

The funeral was this week, and it went very well. It was great to spend time with my family, look at photos and watch old videos of my grandparents. It has been harder emotionally than I expected, I am exhausted and on edge. Now I have only one grandmother left alive, and she is not in great shape. I have been so fortunate to know all of my grandparents and three of my great-grandparents. I'm just not sure what life will be like now that they are gone. The families feel a bit adrift without our anchors tying us together.

Missing Pieces and Moving On

2008-03-05T15:12:00.002-05:00

I had a follow-up appointment with my OB last Thursday, and she said physically I am fine and should have no trouble getting pregnant again. She gave me a big hug and told me again how sorry she was for my loss, which was really comforting. She called yesterday with the results of the genetic testing: my baby had trisomy 14, and was a boy. I had been convinced all along that there was a genetic abnormality, but the confirmation helped me put my worries about the cause of the miscarriage to rest. In some way, knowing that this was not a normal, healthy fetus makes it easier for me to cope. However, the knowledge that for a brief moment in time I was carrying our son makes me immeasurably sad. I am not going to name my baby.

I joined a gym and started exercising there over the weekend. I'm starting slowly, as I am way out of shape, but it feels good to be active. When I get my tax refund, I'm going to book our New Orleans trip. We're shopping for a new-to-us car this week, as Bruce's old hand-me-down finally went to the great parking lot in the sky. I want a Honda Odyssey! Then we'll be concentrating on getting ready to buy a house. So I have plans to keep me occupied, which helps.

Dark Days

2008-02-24T09:17:00.002-05:00

I am not pregnant any more. Last Saturday, I learned my baby had died about a week before. I had a D&C that day, and have spent this week coming to terms with it all. I'm not sure how much I will write about this experience as time goes on, but for now this is as much as I can bear to say. I had a miscarriage, I am heartbroken and devastated, but I am also strong and will get through it. Bruce and I plan to try for another pregnancy as soon as possible. My family and friends have been a tower of support, as always. Kaya is healthy and happy, and all in all, I am a very lucky woman.

I have a recovery plan. I am joining a gym, and will begin exercising regularly for the first time in over 10 years. I got a few specific herbal teas that are touted to help regulate the female cycle and hormones, and also two essential oils which supposedly enhance fertility. Bruce thinks I'm nuts, but as I explained to him, it all cost about $30, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something to help increase our odds. It may not help, but it won't hurt. I will be squirreling away every cent I can in the coming months, because we need a new(er) vehicle and house money. Best of all, with my tax refund money we will take another get away trip to New Orleans. I have things to focus on besides getting pregnant, which is helpful.

My grandmothers are not doing well. My dad's mom has had a very bad few months. It all started with her car accident in October, followed by sepsis, then 6 weeks in rehab, then sepsis again, then a mysterious sudden onset of advanced dementia or delusion which cannot as yet be diagnosed or identified. It could be due to an overload of meds, or the cumulative effect of many TIA's, or a rapidly degenerating brain, no idea yet. She sees people who aren't there constantly, has conversations and arguments with them, and sometimes can also engage in the here-and-now, but sometimes can't. I confess I haven't been visiting her, and I feel terribly about it. My mom's mom is getting more and more frail every day, can barely walk anymore she is so weak. She refuses to use assistive devices the correct way, if at all, and says they make her "look old." Well, she is 88 and SHE IS OLD. She is also having cognitive problems, and has been treating my uncle and aunt (who she lives with in Delaware) rather nastily. Yet she is faithfully taking her percocet, ativan and having a couple of scotches each evening. Yikes. Both of my parents are basket cases over their moms' failing health. I feel so upset over all of it, yet I am kind of paralyzed, not really doing anything.

I don't know what to do about work. I have been unhappy lately but felt tied to my job due to the pregnancy. Now that I am no longer pregnant, I am free to look for a new job. Which I want to do, except for one hitch: I want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, but if I change jobs I would have to be there a full year before I could take advantage of FMLA to get the longest maternity leave possible. Now I realize it may take a while to get pregnant again if ever, but it could also happen rather quickly. So for right now, as I am grieving and my head is spinning, I think I will stay put for the moment, implement my recovery plan (as described above) and let the air clear a bit.

Big Happenings

2008-01-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

Another holiday season has come and gone. This one was particularly nice, as it was the first year Kaya was fully aware of and excited about what was going on. After the whirlwind of gifts from Hanukkah, Santa took center stage and was much talked about. And Christmas movies (Rudolph and Frosty, especially) were big hits. She, of course, cleaned up at Christmas, her main gift from us being a Fisher Price Loving Family doll house with all of the furniture. I think I may be even more excited about that gift than Kaya! A few days before Christmas, we celebrated with my dad's family (my grandmother was even home for Christmas, though she is now back in rehab after another setback), and again with then the next week when my aunt Jean and her family were in town from Arizona. We celebrated Christmas day at home first, then at my parents', then in Delaware with my mom's extended family. It was a great day filled with family and fun.

There was a major damper on the day, however, when we learned Bruce's oldest son Max and his girlfriend broke up. Bruce was so upset he opted out of going to Delaware with the rest of us. Max, unfortunately, will now be dealing with custody and child support issues at the tender age of 20. As he is still attending college in Florida, Bruce feels rather powerless to help and lend support to his son and grandson in the way he would like, and Max is determined to stay the course in Florida and to finish his degree by May 2009.

New Year's Eve was no big thing, because I had to be at work bright and early on New Year's Day. We did fix ourselves a delicious meal of lobster tails and juicy steaks, complete with champagne, so that was nice.

This past Saturday, January 5, was Kaya's third birthday! We had a small family party at our house. It was a princess party, and Kaya and Nyla wore princess gowns and drank Princess Punch (Hawaiian Punch, ginger ale and rainbow sherbet, served in a "real" -- plastic -- wine glass). It was very girly and adorable, and I loved every minute of it! Once again, my child was spoiled with wonderful gifts. I actually had to go through her room and toy box to clear out toys and books that she no longer looks at to make way for the new loot, but it was time for that to be done anyhow. I cleared out four bins full!

But the biggest event of all happened on Sunday, January 6 when I had a positive home pregnancy test. My pregnancy was confirmed yesterday by a blood test, and so now I can officially announce that I am expecting a second child! We have been trying, but it was still a shock. I am really happy and excited, but my head is spinning. We have told our immediate family members, and today I am going to send out the email announcement. I know it is really early on to be telling everybody, but I never have been good at keeping secrets. This, of course, will have major repercussions on our plans to buy a house, change jobs, etc. I don't know what is going to happen with all of that, but we have some time to figure it all out.

Holiday Time

2007-12-13T10:44:00.001-05:00

It has been quite busy around here lately! Before Halloween, my Grammy was in a serious car accident, sustaining a shattered ankle. After a week in the hospital getting medically cleared for and recovering from surgery, she was discharged in stable condition to a rehab center. But after just a couple of days there, she suddenly became critically ill and was rushed by ambulance back to the hospital. She was in septic shock which had rapidly led to DIC, and was close to death. Thankfully, the cause of her sepsis was quickly diagnosed and treated, and after a week in ICU and another on a step-down floor, she is now doing very well at a different rehab facility learning how to maneuver her leg cast, healthier and stronger every day. Phew!

Thanksgiving was very nice. We celebrated at my Aunt Susan's house, and it was probably the quietest holiday we have had because most of my cousins were at their in-laws' homes. And, can you believe, we sat down to dinner at about 6PM! (Typically dinner isn't ready until about 9PM, what with all the revelry taking precedence over cooking). In time for Thanksgiving, my cousin (and very close friend) Heather finally moved home to Baltimore from Nashville, where she had been living for the past two years. It is so great to have her back!

My 15th high school reunion was held over Thanksgiving weekend, but of course, I did not attend (haven't gone to any so far). Instead, a few of my girlfriends from good old Towson High came over for a mini reunion, husbands and children in tow. It was amazing how little we have changed, and how comfortable our friendships still feel. I really enjoyed seeing them, and plan to keep in touch through the years to come.

This past weekend, Kaya and I went to NYC with my mom and dad to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, and had a fantastic time! The show was really something, I love the Rockettes. Kaya said it was "the bestest mobie I ever saw." We walked all over the theater district, gazing at department store windows (Lord & Taylor's were by far the best). I was excited to go to American Girl Place with my mom, but it was so ridiculously crowded that we quickly left. That was disappointing. But we saw so many wonderful things and places: Times Square, Broadway, 5th Avenue, Tiffany's, Rockefeller Center, and so on. We drove by Ground Zero, which was quite sobering. I love that city. I hadn't been there in six years, which is silly. I'll go back soon, and often.

We ended our Hanukkah celebration last night (Kaya, as usual, made out like a bandit!), and will be decorating the Christmas tree this afternoon. Today is Kaya's Christmas program at her nursery school. The children will sing for their parents, and do the "Reindeer Pokey," which I am dying to see. The holiday hustle bustle is in full swing!

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

2007-10-24T09:07:00.000-05:00

New Orleans, the other Sin City. If you don't succumb to the debauchery, you aren't doing it right.

The French Quarter opens its arms to all, with one command: enjoy yourself! And why not? Booze flows abundantly from nearly every single establishment (flashy/gaudy daiquiri shops, ancient corner bars, tropical courtyard clubs, booths offering $3 "Big Ass Beers To Go!", even some souvenir shops serve beers and shots), and not only is it legal to carry open alcoholic beverages through the streets and drink publicly, it is encouraged. Even if you are carrying a cup from another establishment, you are urged to go inside each club. There are no cover charges, and from what I could tell, only the strip clubs had a drink minimum (one per customer). It feels surprisingly safe (cops are everywhere), and I didn't see any fights or crimes in progress.

Then there is the music, from which there is no escape. Street performers playing guitar and washboards, parades led by brass bands and karaoke in the bars by day, and live performances ranging all over the musical spectrum in every club by night. Bruce and I were not terribly adventurous, as we stayed pretty much right on Bourbon Street for our entertainment, but we still saw some great stuff. Next time we'll seek out places frequented by locals to get a more authentic musical experience. As this was my first visit, I was happy to be all touristy. On our first night we came upon a local band of about six young guys playing brass and drums, right on the corner of Canal and Bourbon (Bruce had seen them at the same spot on a previous trip last year, so they must be regulars. Anybody know what they call themselves?) -- they are tremendous! We listened to the music and watched a few clearly drunk men dancing in the street. As is my way, I was dancing in my self-conscious white-girl style (sort of shimmying my body while standing in one spot), which drew enough attention that I was pulled out into the street to dance not once but twice, with a "don't be shy!"

This party is going on 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, in one of the most gorgeous locales I have seen. The French Quarter is really, really old, truly historic and, according to all I've read, looks exactly as it always has. The ornate wrought iron balconies are incredibly beautiful, and the courtyards are to die for, rich with luscious palm and banana trees and tropical foliage and flowers. We spent the first afternoon just walking and gawking.

Of course the food is legendary, but I must admit that we did not focus on eating (unusual as that may be for me), and even skipped some meals. We had two dinners out, ordering the requisite red beans & rice, ribs, and shrimp creole, all of which were good. Breakfast is not really a focus in the Quarter (nobody is awake at that hour!), and during the day I was content to have a quick slice of pizza or hot dog as I strolled the streets. Bruce had to work during the days, and I was not about to sit down in restaurants alone. As with music, next time we will make a better effort to try the real "Nawlins" cuisine, the best of which can be found outside of the Quarter, I'm told. We did, of course, have cafe au lait and biegnets at Cafe Du Monde (twice).

As I bought a small trinket on Jackson Square, the shop keeper thanked me for supporting New Orleans. Several others said how glad they were that I (as a tourist) was there. I did not go to New Orleans to dwell on the tragedy of Kartina, but it is ever present. Locals talk about it all of the time, seem to need to share the experience. I knew the Quarter had remained untouched, but was shocked to see the water damage immediately outside if its borders. This tiny gem of a place was spared, and it feels like a miracle. It rained hard on one of our days there, and I saw Canal Street partially flood before my eyes. Such a fragile place, but so vivacious, it is hard to reconcile.

It was a wonderful trip, sort of a honeymoon for us. I experienced a few firsts, too. Having never been to a casino, we spent a little time in Harrah's. I was impressed! It is like a huge fancy arcade for grown-ups. Not at all interested in gambling, I blew $30 or so on a few slot machines, and quickly had my fill. But just to be there, see the place and the people, hear all the noise, feel the excitement, and possibly partake in the buffet, dine in a celebrity-chef owned restaurant or take in the show, it is well worth the trip inside. We happened to go into the central bar area of the casino at the moment The Saints won a game, and the crowd exploded! Back on Bourbon, we checked out a couple of strip clubs (a definite first) and found it to be a fun couples activity ('nuff said). Also, I had never been club-hopping, so we took care of that. I even managed to drag my husband onto a dance floor and bump and grind against him a bit. Bruce was even drunk at least once, which is a rare occurrence. Yeah, it was a great time.

I didn't do any of the tours I intended to do. I really need to see the Garden District, and explore a cemetery. I'd like to learn a little about Voodoo and see a temple (as part of a tour). And I should see a swampy area. I have to re-read Interview With the Vampire and find Louis and Lestat's haunts. I want to buy something from a local artist on Jackson Square. I still need to go shopping on Magazine Street. I can't wait to go back!

After four days and three nights of indulgence, it is nice to be home. I missed Kaya terribly, though she was much better off staying with my parents. This was not a trip for kids. And I missed my animals. So now its back to life as usual; time to pay the bills, do laundry and start looking for a new job. After a nap.

Wonderful!

2007-09-17T11:50:00.000-05:00

Stevie Wonder played an absolutely incredible concert at Pier Six Pavilion in Baltimore last night, and I was extremely fortunate to be in attendance. He is talented beyond description, just an awesome musician and person. He played so many of his hits, for well over two hours non-stop. I have never enjoyed myself more; my cheeks hurt from smiling and my throat is still sore from screaming and singing, I danced like a woman possessed in the tiny space I had. Stevie thanked his fans for loving his music and allowing him to give his departed mother a lifestyle he wouldn't have been able to provide without his success. I so want to thank him, to tell him how much his music means to me, and how happy I feel every time I hear his music, which I play frequently.

Highlights of the evening: at one point Stevie climbed up on top of his piano and danced (!), and while singing "Isn't She Lovely," sat next to his daughter Aisha, about whom the song was written. His voice is as clear and pure as it is in his earliest recordings, and his piano and harmonica and drum skills are beyond impressive. Though the performance leaves no doubt that every note heard is being played and sung live, every song was album quality, but infused with improvisation and just so much energy. I could go on and on. He promised to come back to Baltimore and play two nights in a row . . . I'll be there.

So that was Sunday (Sept. 16th). On Saturday (Sept. 15th), Bruce, Phil, Kaya and I attended a huge anti-war protest in D.C. It was my first protest, and I was very moved by the entire experience. We listened to students and activists speak, then came upon a man standing next to a flag-draped coffin, holding up a large photo of his 17-year-old son lying dead in his casket. The young man was killed in Iraq, shot in the head by a sniper. The boy's boots and fatigue shirt, embroidered with his last name, were also draped on top of the coffin. This grieving father travels the country telling his story: how a teenager, eager to serve his country, forged his father's name on enlistment documents as he was too young to join the Army without consent (the father had forbade his son to enlist), how mere months later he was informed of his son's death, and of the anguish he has endured since that terrible day.

There was a string of photos on display (a couple of city blocks long) of soldiers from New Jersey -- hundreds of young men and women, all dead, murdered serving in this insane, horrific senseless war at the behest of power-mad politicians who never themselves served one day on behalf of this country. Seeing all of this, I felt such rage and powerlessness boiling up in my soul. How could I not bear witness, show my face, raise my voice and shout my feelings? We marched from the White House to the Capitol, and for whatever good it did or did not do, I felt so proud to be a part of that.

We're planning our New Orleans trip, just Bruce and me, and I can't wait. I've never been, and so I've been reading up on the place and grow more excited as I learn more.

Easy Private Time

2007-08-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

Kaya has been very independent today, preferring to play by herself in my bedroom or hers. And now she is napping in my bed. This has afforded me the opportunity to cook a dinner I've been planning all week. When I'm happy, I cook. And I am very happy lately.

On the menu for dinner tonight: stuffed shells (filled with a blend of three cheeses, sweet Italian sausage, roasted zucchini and herbs) baked in homemade marinara sauce, warm garlic bread, Cesar salad, and for dessert -- chocohotopie (my take on Nigella Lawson's "chocohotopots") covered with rum flavored freshly whipped cream.

We are going to buy a house in the near future. It wasn't even a thought that we'd be in a position to do this anytime soon, but I got to talking with a patient who happens to be a mortgage broker a couple of weeks ago. Suffice it to say she cleared up a few things I have been worried about, and we are now firmly on the path to home ownership! For the next few months we'll be saving up as much as we can while watching the market continue to deflate; then we'll begin looking for the right place.

Kaya pooped and peed on the potty last Friday. It was a huge deal! But she also sustained an injury to her left great toenail when she dropped her little chalkboard on it. Let me tell you, her toe is gross -- the nail is completely black, cracked, swollen and threatening to fall off at any minute. She's very good about soaking her foot in epsom salts and having her toe bandaged each evening. She's obsessed with bandaids under normal circumstances, and REALLY doesn't like looking at this particular boo-boo.

We are going to see Stevie Wonder in a few weeks, and got pretty good seats, too! Of course I paid three times the original price, as tickets sold out in about two minutes and I ended up buying ours through a broker site. Whatever, we don't go out very often, and I have been dreaming of seeing Stevie Wonder in concert for about a decade. Can't wait!

Bruce and I are going to have our first child-free trip soon, when I tag along with him on a business trip to New Orleans. I'm nervous about going there during hurricane season, but have to take the opportunity, so as long as my mom and dad are willing to keep Kaya, we'll finally have a honeymoon of sorts. He's not off the hook for a romantic trip to Mexico or Jamaica, however.

Sasha, my dog, has been laying on my feet today, first in the kitchen while I was cooking, and now as I sit at the computer. She LOVES me, and I love her. It took a little longer than I had thought it would to develop a close bond between us, but we have it now. She is a gorgeous shiny black Collie/Lab mix, 50lbs. I've never had a large dog, my two childhood dogs were small Terriers. My girl thinks she's light as a feather, and prefers to sit on me or lay next to me. Makes life interesting, as Kaya is usually all over me, too. Man oh man, am I lucky!

Autumn is on the way. I've had off work the past few days, and the weather has been cloudy, rainy and cool. Puts me in the mood for crisp mornings and crunchy leaves. Right now I am listening to Bob Mould's Workbook on my iPod, which for some reason sounds like Autumn to me, it just doesn't feel as appropriate at other times of the year.

So there are my thoughts on this day, up to the minute.

Oh My God!

2007-08-04T19:12:00.001-05:00

I uttered this phrase twice this week in earnest, and here's why:

1. Stevie Wonder is touring for the first time in ages, and he's MAKING A STOP IN BALTIMORE!!! He is one of the few artists I dream of meeting, if only to say "thank you for bringing me such joy through your music." Imagine my preoccupation with procuring tickets.

2. I finished the final Harry Potter today. Never have I been so elated and satisfied (not to mention relieved) after reading a book. The perfect ending for the best series I have ever read. Bravo, J.K. Rowling!

Ahhh, vacation

2007-07-23T10:34:00.000-05:00

We are back from our week in beautiful Cape May, NJ. It was a really nice vacation, but though I was sorry to leave, it is so nice to be home. I missed my animals.

Cape May is one of my all-time favorite places, I have been going there since I was a child. It is so picturesque; Victorian gingerbread houses (some very large), mature gardens, trees, quaint shops, and a wide white sand beach leading up to the Atlantic ocean. We had a condo in a 100-year-old house, but the unit itself is modern and comfortable. Bruce and I spent a lot of time sitting on the balcony off the master bedroom, taking in the sights and watching horse-drawn carriages pass by. Kaya took to the beach and ocean like a true water baby. She squealed in delight as she was splashed by waves, and had a blast digging in the sand, trying to figure out how to make a sand mold.

My parents joined us for the last part of the week. I'm so glad they came -- they have not taken a vacation for about seven years. They had such a good time that they decided to stay an extra night after we left.

My Harry Potter book was waiting for me when we arrived home. Ha ha! Along with most of the world, I am reading it with great anticipation, but trying to take it slowly and savor the last new Harry book.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2007-07-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

Summer is flying by, as usual. So much has been going on lately, it's no wonder.

Max, Jessica and Chaose came to Baltimore for a nice visit earlier this month. It was really nice seeing them and meeting that sweet baby. They have been handling things really well thus far, so we are feeling somewhat relieved. Kaya loves her nephew, and was so gentle with him.

Our trip to Chicago was fantastic. Bruce worked much of the time, unfortunately, but Kaya and I got to play and had lots of fun. We spent a fantastic day at Navy Pier and the Chicago Children's Museum. All three of us took a LONG walk from "The Loop" to Greek Town and back again, admiring several of the city's public sculptures along the way. Kaya and I had to return to my favorite attraction, the Magnificent Mile, which is a shopping mecca unlike any I have seen. We actually only spent time in the American Girl store and the Disney store; just goes to show where my priorities lie these days. There is no way to describe how much joy it gives me to buy special treats for my little girl. She is very spoiled, but not rotten. We acquired a number of nice toys, but her favorites are the plush Ariel and Dora the Explorer dolls. We also visited the Lincoln Park Zoo, which is a lovely little free zoo right in the city, within sight of Lake Michigan.

Yesterday was Independence Day, which we celebrated at my parent's house with steamed crabs and cheeseburgers. It was rainy later on, but we were sheltered under a big umbrella, so the party continued uninterrupted.

Phil is at camp for two weeks, which he had been eagerly awaiting. I went to the store for care package items this morning. I've been thinking a lot about my days at Camp Strawderman, which were very special to me. I hope that Kaya will go to camp when she is older.

I've been to the vet's office too much lately. Stella has been suffering from yet another urinary tract infection, which is a chronic problem for her, poor thing. She is on her second round of antibiotics, and the cats now have to eat prescription food to help her get and stay healthy. Sasha went in for her annual shots and exam, and was found to have a mild ear infection, so I had two weeks of cleaning ears and instilling drops twice a day, while also catching Stella for her twice daily antibiotics. It doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it is exhausting medicating animals against their will twice a day, every day. I truly hope this new antibiotic helps Stella, whose urine sample from Tuesday was still looking ugly.

Two of my cousins are moving out of state this month to be with the men in their lives. I am very happy and excited for them, but sad to know I'll see even less of them. On the flip side, another of my cousins, who moved to Nashville to be with her (thankfully) ex-boyfriend, will soon be moving home. My maternal grandmother, Nanny, moved to my uncle's home in Delaware last weekend. For a variety of reasons, it was just not safe for her to continue living alone. She is having a really difficult time adjusting to the move, however, and we are all worried. It is a summer of transition for my family, to be sure!

We're gearing up for our week at the beach, and I am so excited! I can't wait to see Kaya's reaction to the Atlantic Ocean. She saw the Pacific when we went to San Diego, but she was only five months old at the time, and so remembers none of it. She's actually a very well traveled two year old! I never even got on a plane until I was 22 years old, and she's already flown for at least seven trips. I hope we can continue our travels throughout her formative years; I feel it is important to experience as many places and people as possible.

She is just starting to form memories, and getting the concept of "remember when?" She is also starting to show real interest in potty training. I must admit that I am at a complete loss as to how to go about potty training; the thought completely overwhelms me, much like hooking up electronics. Thank goodness Bruce has been through this twice before, is all I have to say. Most of parenting has felt very natural to me so far, but not this. Oy vay, my adventures continue!

Summer Lovin'

2007-05-30T09:31:00.001-05:00

Hallelujah, summer is here! The best time of the year. One thing I've realized, however, is it is an expensive season if enjoyed properly.

We joined a pool club for the summer, and spent our first day there this past Sunday. It was wonderful! There are three baby pools, and Kaya had such a great time splashing around. Someone had left a bunch of toys in one of the pools, which Kaya played with. It inspired me to go to Toys R Us yesterday to get a few great pool toys of our own: squirty fish, baby sea animals, and the best of all, an Ariel (The Little Mermaid) doll that swims. Kaya is all about The Little Mermaid, watching it at least once a day.

Our pool club is really nice. I had a glass of wine at the cabana bar, and there was a band playing all afternoon. We dove off the diving boards a few times, but I spent most of my time at the baby pools while Bruce and Phil swam together. There is a large picnic area with grills, and we rested and read under a big tree while Kaya tried to nap. We plan to take full advantage of the club this summer, going as often as possible. I think I'll even stop by after work some evenings to have a quick dip all by myself -- ah, the luxury! In fact, we're going this evening and packing a picnic dinner.

Kaya and I will be tagging along with Bruce on a business trip to Chicago. We were there this past Fall, and were impressed with its size and beauty, not to mention the awesome shopping! I am so excited to experience it in the warm weather, and to explore as many outdoor attractions as possible, like Navy Pier and Millennium Park.

Work is going well, a little busier lately. No complaints for a change!

We're gearing up to meet our grandson soon, as Max, Jessica and Chaose will be coming for a visit in early June.

Mother's Day Blues

2007-05-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

For the second year in a row, I had no Mother's Day. Last year, it was because I worked from 7AM to 7PM. This year, we were in Jacksonville, FL celebrating our niece Amy's Bat Mitzvah. This is not to say I didn't have a blast this weekend, and Kaya is too little to understand what Mother's Day is anyway so I didn't expect much, but still . . .

My sister-in-law Susan sure can throw a party! We arrived in Jacksonville on Friday, drove to St. Augustine for a quick tour, and then checked into the hotel and greeted family. The kids swam in the pool, and then we all were treated to a nice dinner of Chinese food. We went to Friday evening services, and then hung out together. Saturday morning was the big event, with a two-hour-long, very beautiful and moving service. Amy was beautiful, brilliant and so composed. We were given box lunches and sent off to enjoy the afternoon, which we spent napping and swimming in the pool again. Then the best part -- the party! Kaya stayed in our hotel room with two young second cousins and a babysitter who Susan arranged for, and the kids had a blast playing together and ordering french fries from room service. The rest of us dressed up and enjoyed cocktails, Italian food, fun music, dancing, games, and a performance by Amy's dance team. If you've never been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah (meaning "son/daughter of the Torah"), you have to make some Jewish friends. It was incredible!

On Sunday we enjoyed Brunch at Susan's house, and enjoyed the fabulous pool in her development. It was sunny and hot, just a perfect day. Despite hitting traffic on the way to the airport, we made our flight by the skin of our teeth (not unusual for us to be cutting it close, sad to say).

We got home very late Sunday night, and I worked the next day. I'm still recovering from exhaustion, but it was worth it. We had so much fun spending time with Bruce's family, as we always do.

Tonight, we're asking Phil to babysit so Bruce and I can go out for sushi, my belated Mother's Day celebration. A date with my husband is the gift I want most (besides that trip to Jamaica).

"It lasts for always."

2007-05-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

Today, Kaya was looking on her bookshelf, and chose a book we have never read together before: The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. This is my very favorite story; I love it so much that I own at least four different copies (different sizes and illustrations, same text). I hadn't read this book to Kaya as of yet because it is too long to hold her attention at this point, and also because I can't even read it silently to myself without sobbing. The part that chokes me up the most is when the skin horse talks about becoming real.

Because she chose it, we sat on the sofa and began to read. She got enough of the gist to go grab her own beloved Bunny and squeeze her tight, but, as I suspected, she got restless about half-way through the story. Which was fine by me, because we were about to get to the very sad part.

You see, I have a velveteen rabbit. Cowie has been with me since I was two years old, and I still don't think I could do without her. I distinctly remember going to Stewart's department store with my parents and seeing Cowie on a display. She drew me to her; I fell in love instantly. I reached up and took her down, hugged her and ran to my mom, begging please, can we buy this cow? She was expensive, but I was a very loved little girl, and of course I got my cow, who I named Cowie in the car on the way home. (Mom later told me that she had previously seen Cowie, had also fallen in love with her, and planned to give her to me for Christmas.)

Cowie slept with me until I was about 21 years old, and currently hangs out on my bookshelf (not because she is no longer loved, but to protect her from a rambunctious dog and a cat who pees on things.) I admit that she is horribly neglected, but when she catches my eye, I can't resist spending a little quality time with her. She still has that wise sparkle in her eye.

Kaya has Bunny, who was given to her by her big brother Phil. I think she was about six months old when she plucked Bunny from her pile of stuffed guys, and a love affair began. Bunny goes everywhere, and is usually filthy, though Grammy gives her regular baths in the washing machine. I spend a good deal of my time looking for Bunny and insisting she stay in the car during outings, constantly fearful of losing this precious friend.

The Velveteen Rabbit is so rich with emotion, the themes so touchingly explored, it is a treasure. To teach children about unconditional love and acceptance on a level they can really grasp, and in such a deep yet simple way, well . . . it is a classic for a reason.

We visited my in-laws while I was pregnant, and would you believe my mother-in-law had a serigraph by Sister Mary Corita featuring the excerpt on "what is real?" Of course I noticed it, and as she loves to do, she gave it to me. It hangs in Kaya's room.

Cowie and Bunny may be shabby looking, but they are loved, and they are real.

Old, old, old

2007-04-27T23:48:00.000-05:00

I am a step-grandmother. Little Chaose (pronounced "Chase" -- yes, they purposely spelled his name this way, and don't even get me started on my feelings about it) Goldfarb came into the world this afternoon. Mom and baby are healthy, thank goodness.

I hate my job. Well, not completely. I've now been officially cross trained to the Mother/Baby unit. And today I took a preceptor workshop, so I can now orient, mold and shape new nurses . . . gulp. One interesting thing we did in class today was to take a personality test. It's kind of cool to see yourself plotted out on power point slides. I am an introvert, which I knew, but the certainty of the "diagnosis" shocked me nonetheless. The funniest part of all was seeing an aspect of my personality listed so eloquently, right next to the polar opposite personality type, which could be a color portrait of my husband (this was an ASPECT of personality, mind). Sort of anal retentive vs. laissez-faire.

But next week I return to my home unit, and though I welcome its familiarity and comfort after a long orientation, I know what is waiting. Med surg. Poop and insulin injections. Just not my thing. Apparently we will be trained in tracheotomy and ostomy care. Gross. I have got to find something else, soon.

Tonight I went out with two ex coworkers who were intelligent enough to escape the unit. It was a good time.

Non sequitur: I had my first oyster shooter this past weekend. Never knew what that was; it is fascinating. A shot glass with a raw oyster, some cocktail sauce, and then vodka poured over, surprisingly delicious. And I can't believe I had been living before devouring lobster Benedict. Yup, I have a new favorite bar/restaurant and brunch spot.

Song of the day: "Flake" by Jack Johnson.

So I'll be 33 years old next week, and while my birthdays have historically been some of my favorite days, I can't seem to feel excited about it this year. Nobody else cares anymore by the time you get to this age, and I'm not sure I do either. All I really want is a lingering date with Bruce. Well, a trip to Jamaica wouldn't hurt, but that ain't in the cards, I'm afraid. We're getting a docking station/stereo for the iPods :)

Kaya's Latest Photo Shoot

2007-03-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

Is this kid cute, or what?